What's that at the end of the tunnel, a light? Nope, just a train.

I've got this jumped up feeling like I'm about to explode out of my skin. I imagine it's what people who spontaneously combust feel like right before they burst into flames. I have a nervous stomach which feels like it's full of butterflies only, in keeping with my mood, I'm sure it's more like flying cockroaches. I'm swinging from feeling generally pretty good about things to feeling much more than my usual doom and gloom.

I had issues when I was younger of wishing something bad would happen to me, a terrible illness or a horrible accident. For the most part, and mostly for my kids sake, I've put these sort of feelings behind me. But lately I've been feeling something similar to those old feelings. I would never, I repeat, NEVER do anything to take myself away from my kids.

I have sacrificed my own happiness to make sure they have a relatively normal childhood. Sure their father is an alcoholic, but he isn't a violent drunk. The worst they've had to endure is unending lectures that either ramble aimlessly or go around in circles. Plus the sight of him shaking with the d.t.'s on weekend mornings is enough to scare them straight.

The last thing they need is a mother who's gone off the deep end. I'm sure I'll be able to pull it together. It just feels a little like riding your bike too fast down a steep hill. You know you've got everything under control, but you still can't help feel like you are going to lose your balance. Let's hope I get to the bottom of this hill unscathed and soon!