Parenting Fail

This has been a disappointing summer. Money problems, teenager problems and smothering heat with no end in sight. The money situation has improved a little; which is to say the other shoe finally dropped, but we paid off one car so we are basically back to where we were. The heat isn't anything we can control so I'll just have to deal with butt sweat for the next couple of months. But the teenager problems...well, those are proving harder to deal with.

Let me explain. The summer started innocently enough with a couple of trespassing issues. Nothing destructive like vandalism or theft, just getting caught where they weren't supposed to be. The more upsetting issues have only recently come to light. It would appear that my son has decided to become a smoker. The one child I was sure would never touch a cigarette has decided to die from lung cancer like his beloved great-grandfather. After several lengthy lectures and his assurances that it was only an occasional thing I have caught him at it again in our own backyard. After asking him repeatedly if he had any more in his possession he once again lied his ass off to tell me he bummed from friends whenever he had the urge. Tonight he finally coughed up a pack of Camel's.

A couple of days after the initial smoking discovery we were surprised to find that someone had used his trumpet mouthpiece as a marijuana pipe. He swears up and down that he wasn't smoking when they used his mouthpiece, but finally admitted to trying pot a few weeks ago for the first and only time. His track record for being completely honest leads me to believe that is a bunch of horseshit. We will begin drug testing him monthly in a few weeks once we are sure that this initial transgression is out of his system.

The most heartbreaking thing about all of this is that in almost every other aspect he his the best teenager anyone could ask for. Like his father said, every time you are just about to bust with pride he does something stupid to disappoint you.

These are scary uncharted waters for us as parents. My husband has admitted to experimenting with pot a few times as a teenager but ultimately he decided it wasn't for him. I never did. And with their father being an alcoholic and using smokeless tobacco (ie Skoal) both of our kids are prone to having an addictive personality. How do you teach someone will power? We can tell them "no", we can ground them, we can remove privileges, but when they are away from us they are going to do whatever the hell they want. Parenting is more about faith than any religion. I have to just send them out into the world and believe that something that I've said will stick. That just sucks because I'm an atheist so I'm not big on faith.

A 46 year old bully

That's what my husband is, a 46 year old bully. His threats have now extended to my 16y/o daughter. If she doesn't get with the program she has to leave. Honestly my kids are better behaved than most. Are they sloppy and lazy and sometimes smart-mouthed? Of course. But they get good grades, they don't do drugs and they aren't deliberately disobedient.

I don't know if I can let her live with the constant threats of being put on the street. But I don't want to leave mainly because I don't have any money or anywhere to go, but also because I want to believe that "This too shall pass."

The part of me that still loves him hopes that something happens to me so he can have a few happy years alone. The part of me that hates and resents him hopes he has that heart attack he keeps threatening. Of course the majority of me hopes some miracle will swoop from the sky and drop enough money on us that we can finally live the separate lives we've both been not so secretly dreaming of lately.

I'm writing all of this in the heat of the moment and I realize it sounds harsh. By tomorrow or the next day things will probably be closer to normal with him just seething with anger about the tax issue. Hopefully the message to the kids about helping with the housework will stick around a little longer.

Fingers crossed.

The Ultimatum

Had the big family meeting this morning. What it boils down to is this...either the kids straighten up and fly right or he's throwing me out. They can choose to stay or go with me. He can't handle the stress of our money situation, the stress of work and the stress of his home life.

We were a month away from being able to touch bottom in this flood of debt, and my mistake has pulled us like a riptide farther from the shore. Honestly I don't think it will take us but maybe a year to get this straightened out, but it will be a tight year. We have a few assets we could liquidate to make the process easier, but they are things that are precious to him. I have nothing of value because I spent all of my money, and what little he gave me, trying to keep the utilities on and some food in the fridge.

He blames me for the kids' lack of respect for him. Maybe watching him sway from side to side with a stupid drunken grin on his face half the time might have something to do with it, but what do I know. I've defended him, but he doesn't see or remember that. He blames me for our money problems. I agree that I am directly, but he never cared to be involved and it was never a good time to talk when I tried to bring it up.

So there it is. Every good family depends on a strong matriarch and that is not me. I am weak and no better than one of his ungrateful, disrespectful children. Lucky for him I'm the one that can most easily disposed of. Problem solved.

Oh and Wednesday will be our 20th anniversary. Happy Fucking Anniversary Sweetheart!

The Shit is Rapidly Approaching the Fan...

Well here it is. The thing I have been dreading for two years is about to deal the deathblow to my life.

After being laid off from the bank I was confident that a new job was right around the corner. Severance money was squandered trying to make it the best summer my kids ever had to set their mind at ease. After several months I did finally get a new job, but bills were so screwed up by that point that I dipped into my old 401k without telling my better half. I thought when I had them take taxes out of withdrawal that we were all good. The following year when I went to file taxes I failed to include the withdrawal as part of our income. Now the IRS wants the refund we received plus the penalty we would have owed. All total it's $6k.

I've come clean about part of it...mentioning that I did take a portion of the 401k and that I legitimately thought that having them take taxes out was the end of it...not including the withdrawal as income was something I probably should have known about. He wants to see a CPA and make sure the claim is correct. I know it's correct, but I don't want him to find out just much I took.

I know a $6k IRS penalty isn't the end of the world, and I'm sure the IRS will offer us payment options. Money handling has never been a stable part of our relationship. Neither one of us is good about being fiscally responsible. I've tried to handle things on my own because he was already under enough stress that his drinking was considerably worse. I thought I was sheltering him and doing the best thing for him shouldering the burden on my own. Of course this probably has a lot to do with the fact that I am not happy unless I make myself miserable.

Well, in that case I'm the happiest woman in the world right now because I seriously wish I was dead.

PMS, DT's or PTSD

I never followed through with my plans to contact EAP. I think I was overly emotional, as some women are about once a month. And things went seemingly well the first week or so. He admitted after that week that he only made it until Wed. when the withdrawals proved to be too much. He has decided to institute a 9 beer limit Sun-Thurs. Weekends are a no limit free-for-all. So far the only exception to this was his birthday; where he seemingly decided that he had free reign to be a total and complete ass. I did my best to bite my tongue and not make things worse. I know he is very nervous about his new responsibilities at work so I'll be his verbal punching bag so he can vent. It's a role I've played all too well in the past.

We have not really talked about this whole life changing plan of his. He had promised after his first big announcement that we would talk things out when he was sober. I haven't really asked how things are going other than a general "How ya doin' with the...you know?" Communication, the corner stone of a strong relationship...yeah, right. Otherwise he has been his usual emotionally and physically distant self. Man he sure is lucky he found someone who doesn't mind being treated like crap. I have my suspicions that the physical shutout has to do more with mechanical issues, or the fact that he usually had to get liquored up to stomach touching me in the first place. Must suck having to use beer goggles to sleep with your own wife. Sorry, that was a bit of a pity party tangent, but I'm sure the problem is probably mechanical. He has recently mentioned that he needs to go to the eye doctor, the dentist and the "dick doctor".

He did say something about me being nicer to him lately. He suspects that I deliberately talked down to him because I thought he was drunk. He claims that he doesn't act; he reacts. If he was being an ass it's because I was being a bitch. True, I wouldn't take him seriously if I could tell he was buzzed or flat out wasted. He hasn't been behaving that way recently so I haven't had a need to speak against any of his crazy monologues.

Hopefully he sees some good results at work soon. That should prove to him how much cutting down on his alcohol intake is improving his situation and that I'm not the one holding him back. I just worry that if drinking is his response to stress and stress, in whatever form, never really goes away he won't ever be able to cut down more or eventually stop.

I guess all the years of neglect and emotional abuse from my childhood have molded me to be the perfect wife in this situation and stick with him through this mess. I like to think a lesser woman would have left years ago, but it's really a stronger woman that would have had the nerve to leave.

God help me I do love the bastard. For all his faults he cares more for his children than any father I could have ever hoped for.

Here goes nothin'...

I've developed a bit of a game plan. I don't know how well it will work, but I gotta do something.

First I'm going to contact the EAP office at work. If you aren't familiar with the Employee Assistance Program it is a pretty awesome service that offers basic counseling services for employees on a short term basis. Most major corporations offer this service so look into it if you ever find yourself in need. My hope is that after a couple of individual sessions I will be able to bring the kids in on it so they learn how to relate to a father they have rarely seen before.

My husband is not open to any group therapy and he is unwilling to try a 12 step program. There will be no "making amends". He has said all along that his drinking was a direct reaction to the stress we gave him here at home by not being the perfect little Stepford family. I know that therapy won't make me into what he perceives as the ideal wife and mother, but maybe it will help me better react to the constant criticism without making things worse.

I know that his success or failure at sobriety will mean the end of our marriage. Honestly I can admit that it was probably over long ago and his drinking is what kept him here in the first place. I could go into a million examples of this but I'll save it for therapy.

I don't know what he has told the children about all of this. I haven't mentioned it and I'm not going to until we have had some sort of family discussion. Thankfully they weren't around when he dropped this bombshell on me and they weren't home until late in the evening so they haven't seen me breaking down into tears for no apparent reason.

I'm pinning all my hopes on counseling. Unfortunately that's where all my fears lie as well. What if therapy proves him right? What if everything that has gone wrong in his life the last 20 years is my fault? I accepted him and all his flaws. He accepted me and all my flaws. Now he wants to better himself, but what if I'm as good as I'm going to get?

The start of something new or the beginning of the end

My husband of almost 20 years just told me he is giving up alcohol, cold-turkey, and that if he fails he will leave me.

While I am proud of him for making the decision to change his life for the better, he has some how made his 30 year addiction my fault. I've tried before to convince him to quit. I hoped he would see how his drinking affected our children and he would make the decision to stop. But whatever finally pushed him to make the change doesn't matter; it is the right thing to do for him and for the children.

What concerns me is that he is going into this on his own. No support system except for me and the kids. We aren't trained professionals; we are flawed humans just like him. So how can he pin the possibility of failure on me? I put up with the all the crap that comes from living with an alcoholic. I put out all the fires with the children. I was a single parent a lot of the time because he just wasn't there to help with the kids or the bills.

Was I a perfect mother, housewife, financial planner? No, I never claimed to be. I did the best I could on my own. Now he tells me we should have never gotten married because neither one of us is good with money. He tells me how much all of his friends have. He tells me how some of them turned their lives around because of strong supportive wives. I get no credit for sticking through all the shit of the last 20 years without complaining. Anytime I did try to bring something up about money or minor household issues I had to deal with whatever state of inebriation he was in. Then there would be the inevitable argument later on when he didn't remember anything we had previously discussed.

I am not blameless, but I don't know if I can handle being solely responsible for the success or failure of his sobriety.