Here goes nothin'...

I've developed a bit of a game plan. I don't know how well it will work, but I gotta do something.

First I'm going to contact the EAP office at work. If you aren't familiar with the Employee Assistance Program it is a pretty awesome service that offers basic counseling services for employees on a short term basis. Most major corporations offer this service so look into it if you ever find yourself in need. My hope is that after a couple of individual sessions I will be able to bring the kids in on it so they learn how to relate to a father they have rarely seen before.

My husband is not open to any group therapy and he is unwilling to try a 12 step program. There will be no "making amends". He has said all along that his drinking was a direct reaction to the stress we gave him here at home by not being the perfect little Stepford family. I know that therapy won't make me into what he perceives as the ideal wife and mother, but maybe it will help me better react to the constant criticism without making things worse.

I know that his success or failure at sobriety will mean the end of our marriage. Honestly I can admit that it was probably over long ago and his drinking is what kept him here in the first place. I could go into a million examples of this but I'll save it for therapy.

I don't know what he has told the children about all of this. I haven't mentioned it and I'm not going to until we have had some sort of family discussion. Thankfully they weren't around when he dropped this bombshell on me and they weren't home until late in the evening so they haven't seen me breaking down into tears for no apparent reason.

I'm pinning all my hopes on counseling. Unfortunately that's where all my fears lie as well. What if therapy proves him right? What if everything that has gone wrong in his life the last 20 years is my fault? I accepted him and all his flaws. He accepted me and all my flaws. Now he wants to better himself, but what if I'm as good as I'm going to get?