PMS, DT's or PTSD

I never followed through with my plans to contact EAP. I think I was overly emotional, as some women are about once a month. And things went seemingly well the first week or so. He admitted after that week that he only made it until Wed. when the withdrawals proved to be too much. He has decided to institute a 9 beer limit Sun-Thurs. Weekends are a no limit free-for-all. So far the only exception to this was his birthday; where he seemingly decided that he had free reign to be a total and complete ass. I did my best to bite my tongue and not make things worse. I know he is very nervous about his new responsibilities at work so I'll be his verbal punching bag so he can vent. It's a role I've played all too well in the past.

We have not really talked about this whole life changing plan of his. He had promised after his first big announcement that we would talk things out when he was sober. I haven't really asked how things are going other than a general "How ya doin' with the...you know?" Communication, the corner stone of a strong relationship...yeah, right. Otherwise he has been his usual emotionally and physically distant self. Man he sure is lucky he found someone who doesn't mind being treated like crap. I have my suspicions that the physical shutout has to do more with mechanical issues, or the fact that he usually had to get liquored up to stomach touching me in the first place. Must suck having to use beer goggles to sleep with your own wife. Sorry, that was a bit of a pity party tangent, but I'm sure the problem is probably mechanical. He has recently mentioned that he needs to go to the eye doctor, the dentist and the "dick doctor".

He did say something about me being nicer to him lately. He suspects that I deliberately talked down to him because I thought he was drunk. He claims that he doesn't act; he reacts. If he was being an ass it's because I was being a bitch. True, I wouldn't take him seriously if I could tell he was buzzed or flat out wasted. He hasn't been behaving that way recently so I haven't had a need to speak against any of his crazy monologues.

Hopefully he sees some good results at work soon. That should prove to him how much cutting down on his alcohol intake is improving his situation and that I'm not the one holding him back. I just worry that if drinking is his response to stress and stress, in whatever form, never really goes away he won't ever be able to cut down more or eventually stop.

I guess all the years of neglect and emotional abuse from my childhood have molded me to be the perfect wife in this situation and stick with him through this mess. I like to think a lesser woman would have left years ago, but it's really a stronger woman that would have had the nerve to leave.

God help me I do love the bastard. For all his faults he cares more for his children than any father I could have ever hoped for.