When is enough enough?

Twenty years of being blamed for everything that has gone wrong. Twenty years of having to judge how much he's had to drink, what mood is he in, how much will he remember, catching hell when you guess wrong. I'm not perfect. I'm a lousy housewife. I can't cook. I can't handle money well. I thought I was paying my dues by being denied real affection, never a unsolicited hug or kiss.

He claims we are supposed to be a team when all he wants is for me to agree with whatever crazy drunken lecture he decides to deliver after hours in his workshop. I do my best to agree when I see that his intentions are good but his method is ineffective. I tell the kids the abbreviated version later and assure them that their father is not a raving lunatic.

Sometimes I guess wrong. Sometimes he is more aware and that's when he gets angry. His idle threats are almost laughable now and rarely upset me. Sometimes, when he is more coherent, his screaming and name calling can really hurt. What hurts the most is that the kids are more aware now. This hurts because I wonder how my son will learn to treat women; how will my daughter allow the men in her life to treat her? I kid myself into thinking that they are learning conflict resolution. Tomorrow he won't remember half of what he said, and I am really good at letting things slide. By the weekend we will be civil and the argument will be all but forgotten. Sure Mommy and Daddy yell and scream, but when the dust settles they are still there for each other. I learned at an early age about "keeping up appearances" and it has served me well.

Why do I put up with it? There are a couple of reasons. Most importantly is that he loves his children. He would do anything for them. Apparently this means sticking with me through this miserable existence. I guess that's also the biggest thing we have in common. The second reason is mainly financial. I think we would both agree that if we could afford to live in separate households we would. Since there is no infidelity and no abuse there is really no reason pushing us to live apart.

We get along sometimes. Mainly when we are enjoying the accomplishments of the children. With the exception of our son's involvement in the Young Marines they are usually achievements he hears about second hand. I don't fault him for that. He makes it to the important ones if work responsibilities don't interfere. This is the curse of being a daddy.

I gladly sacrifice my happiness to give my children everything I never had, a two parent household with parents that hold their children's interests above their own. I've made it this far and through far worse than this. They are the greater good and I will honor my vow of "through good times and in bad". I've been through worse.